So, it’s 8 Am. I’m sitting on the roof of my new apartment
for the first time since I moved in. I’m lookin over the cityscape, and this is
what I see:
Not bad, eh? I look at all these people below. Many are
heading to or from work. Some are just wandering the streets in the morning,
not completely sure of where they are going.
And the only thing I can think of is:
Man, I have to take a crap. Be right back…
Ok, better.
I’ve started to get to know the people that work in my
building. Lupe works day shift. She sees me when I come home after work. Chris
works swing shift. He sees me when I leave in the evening. I’ve met a couple of
the other employees, but I don’t know their names.
Lately, I haven’t written anything. My life has become
pretty dull. I go to Hula Hula for a drink before work. All the bartenders and
managers there know me now. I go to work, play on Facebook and watch movies all
night, then come home. Sometimes I go right to sleep, but most of the time, I
stay up and either watch movies or play video games. I’m just trying to wear my
brain out enough to get some damn sleep.
The problem is that even if I do wear myself out enough, my
brain never shuts off. I wonder too many things. Things like “Have I really
done anything with my life?” or “Were there really 28 people that I’ve known
that have killed themselves? Could I have done anything more to help?” or “Why
am I still single?” They just seem to jump from one topic to another.
My point in writing this today is that a friend asked me
when I was going to write again. Well, here ya go. Just a little something that
is innocuous enough to be flippant, but deep enough that I don’t feel like a
complete waste of time.
In fact, there are so many different thoughts running
through my head right now, that it is difficult to make complete sentences. I’ve
had friends of mine that are writers tell me, “Don’t force it. Just start
writing, and don’t stop until you have to. Oh, and don’t edit it. Just let it
flow. It will all come out in the end.” That’s good advice for someone who has
writer’s block.
Here’s the thing, though. I don’t have writer’s block. I
just don’t know what to write about anymore. Oh, there are plenty of stories
left in this black hole I call a brain, I just can’t seem to remember them.
My
life has gotten so boring lately, that I even bore myself.
So, I’m just going to ramble for a minute.
Why is a mouse when it spins? A friend and I were talking
about something random, and she said to me, “Why is a raven like a writing
desk?” Well, I certainly don’t know. “Because Poe wrote on both.”
That’s deep. It took me a minute to completely comprehend
it.
I think that’s what’s bothering me lately. It takes so long
for me to figure things out anymore. I used to be the guy that understood
everything immediately. Now, I’m just a regular Joe. I truly have become “extra
medium”. I used to be exceptional. I used to be able to calculate standard
deviation in my head. I used to be able to remember things that haven’t
happened yet. I used to be special.
Now, I’m just…. Ordinary.
That would be okay, if it wasn’t for the fact that I
remember the times when I helped honor students with their homework. I remember
when I used to be able to sing a song note for note without any mistakes. I
remember when I used to heal pain just by touching someone. I remember when I
used to be known by people I had never met. I remember when I used to… <sigh> You get the point.
Now, I feel like I’m nothing. I don’t understand things as
quickly as I used to. And my social life has gone to shit. I’ve met some new
people in the past couple months. They’re fun and all, but they’re just bar
friends. I don’t see them outside of the bar. I haven’t been to an SCA event in
2 years. I just don’t have the time off.
I have First World Problems. I have White People Problems.
What I don’t have is any idea how to pull myself out of this rut in which I
seem to be stuck. I would get a girlfriend, but I wouldn’t be able to see her
but once a week. Maybe twice. I’d get a hobby, but I know that I wouldn’t keep
up with it.
So, I’ve tried my hand at writing. You’ve seen how well THAT
is going. I haven’t written a story in two months. I have no inspiration. No
Muse.
Perhaps I’ll just go to sleep.
Nah.
I’m gonna go play video games until I pass out.
Oh, and if anyone is interested… I’m thinking of having a
house warming party on my roof deck. I’m not sure when it will happen, but it
will have to be this month. Otherwise, it’s not a housewarming, is it?
