Museless

So, it’s 8 Am. I’m sitting on the roof of my new apartment for the first time since I moved in. I’m lookin over the cityscape, and this is what I see:

Not bad, eh? I look at all these people below. Many are heading to or from work. Some are just wandering the streets in the morning, not completely sure of where they are going.

And the only thing I can think of is:

Man, I have to take a crap. Be right back…

Ok, better.

I’ve started to get to know the people that work in my building. Lupe works day shift. She sees me when I come home after work. Chris works swing shift. He sees me when I leave in the evening. I’ve met a couple of the other employees, but I don’t know their names.

Lately, I haven’t written anything. My life has become pretty dull. I go to Hula Hula for a drink before work. All the bartenders and managers there know me now. I go to work, play on Facebook and watch movies all night, then come home. Sometimes I go right to sleep, but most of the time, I stay up and either watch movies or play video games. I’m just trying to wear my brain out enough to get some damn sleep. 

The problem is that even if I do wear myself out enough, my brain never shuts off. I wonder too many things. Things like “Have I really done anything with my life?” or “Were there really 28 people that I’ve known that have killed themselves? Could I have done anything more to help?” or “Why am I still single?” They just seem to jump from one topic to another.

My point in writing this today is that a friend asked me when I was going to write again. Well, here ya go. Just a little something that is innocuous enough to be flippant, but deep enough that I don’t feel like a complete waste of time. 

In fact, there are so many different thoughts running through my head right now, that it is difficult to make complete sentences. I’ve had friends of mine that are writers tell me, “Don’t force it. Just start writing, and don’t stop until you have to. Oh, and don’t edit it. Just let it flow. It will all come out in the end.” That’s good advice for someone who has writer’s block. 

Here’s the thing, though. I don’t have writer’s block. I just don’t know what to write about anymore. Oh, there are plenty of stories left in this black hole I call a brain, I just can’t seem to remember them. 

My life has gotten so boring lately, that I even bore myself. 

So, I’m just going to ramble for a minute.

Why is a mouse when it spins? A friend and I were talking about something random, and she said to me, “Why is a raven like a writing desk?” Well, I certainly don’t know. “Because Poe wrote on both.”

That’s deep. It took me a minute to completely comprehend it.

I think that’s what’s bothering me lately. It takes so long for me to figure things out anymore. I used to be the guy that understood everything immediately. Now, I’m just a regular Joe. I truly have become “extra medium”. I used to be exceptional. I used to be able to calculate standard deviation in my head. I used to be able to remember things that haven’t happened yet. I used to be special. 

Now, I’m just…. Ordinary.

That would be okay, if it wasn’t for the fact that I remember the times when I helped honor students with their homework. I remember when I used to be able to sing a song note for note without any mistakes. I remember when I used to heal pain just by touching someone. I remember when I used to be known by people I had never met.  I remember when I used to…  <sigh> You get the point.

Now, I feel like I’m nothing. I don’t understand things as quickly as I used to. And my social life has gone to shit. I’ve met some new people in the past couple months. They’re fun and all, but they’re just bar friends. I don’t see them outside of the bar. I haven’t been to an SCA event in 2 years. I just don’t have the time off. 

I have First World Problems. I have White People Problems. What I don’t have is any idea how to pull myself out of this rut in which I seem to be stuck. I would get a girlfriend, but I wouldn’t be able to see her but once a week. Maybe twice. I’d get a hobby, but I know that I wouldn’t keep up with it.

So, I’ve tried my hand at writing. You’ve seen how well THAT is going. I haven’t written a story in two months. I have no inspiration. No Muse. 

Perhaps I’ll just go to sleep.

 

Nah. 

I’m gonna go play video games until I pass out.

Oh, and if anyone is interested… I’m thinking of having a house warming party on my roof deck. I’m not sure when it will happen, but it will have to be this month. Otherwise, it’s not a housewarming, is it?