What

I wake up every morning, not remembering where I am. I see the room around me, and nothing is familiar to me. After a few moments, it all comes back to me. I'm home. Safe and sound.

But, that's not where I wanted to be.

I look in the mirror, and I don't recognize the face looking back at me. He's a handsome fellow, with sad eyes. "Nice beard. Crooked head, but the baldness works." I think to myself. After a few moments, I remember. That's me.

But, that's not who I wanted to be.

I go to my job. I punch the clock. I try to be important. And I am. But that importance is negated by those that think they know better. They tell me that I'm lucky to have a job.

But, that's not what I wanted to do.

This is not where I wanted to live.

This is not HOW I wanted to live.

You see me as a guy that has a lot of friends, is wildly popular and, perhaps, has women fawning over him at all times. Perhaps you see me as a social butterfly. That is partially true. I do talk to a lot of people. There's nothing meaningful about these interactions. They're just playful banter.

The truth is, I'm very lonely. I work. I go to the same places where people "show me love". I have very few "friends", but a lot of acquaintances that I only talk to when I'm at different places. Hell, even those people that I consider good friends only talk to me over text, or when I send them a message. Most of my interactions either occur on Facebook, or in a bar.

I don't feel anyone else anymore. I used to be able to feel everyone I've known at all times. It was like there was string between us, and I could always tell how they were feeling. Not anymore.

I'm alone.

And it's terrifying.

People say, "How can you be alone? I see you talking to people all the time!"

Do you see how long those conversations last? Maybe a minute or two. Then, they're on to someone else.

I'm an afterthought.

I am the epitome of "Hey! It's that guy!".

And they move on.

I see you.
I help you.
I love you.

All of you.

Everything is late today.

No matter what I did today, everything ended up late.


I woke up late.

My bus was late.

Then, he took a wrong turn, and we ended up going about a mile and a half out of the way. So, he decided to turn around. Since I was running late anyway, I got off the bus, and tried to catch the next one that would come by.

That bus was 20 minutes late.

When I got on, there were two people in wheelchairs. It always takes a while to get them off the bus.

On the way downtown, we ran into EVERY red light.

I went to a bar to meed up with some new friends, and it was so busy, it took 45 minutes to get a drink.

By the time it showed, I had to leave.

I went to another bar to get a trophy and sing a song, and when I was done, I had JUST missed the bus. So, I had to walk to work.

The only thing that was on time tonight was me. Getting to work.

There just seemed to be a lot of things that were trying to keep me from my plans, or to make them very difficult.