People are stupid when they drink, for the most part. I've seen the most upstanding person get 3 shots into them, and completely revert to toddler thinking. GIMME THAT, IT'S MINE!!
Every drinker is different, but here are the ones that I ALWAYS see:
The Hugger - This guy has too many shots, and suddenly loves everyone. He can't help but hold on to everyone to show them he loves them. (And he needs them to help hold him up.) Look, dude. We get it. You love all of us. Now get the fuck off of me, you smell like failure.
Then there's the complete opposite:
The Fighter - This guy seems to think that just because someone glances his way, they want to fight him. He usually starts talking about the fights in which he has been around drink 3. Drink 6, he's talking shit about some "douche bag" at the end of the bar. Drink 12, he's in the guy's face. I swear, these guys go out to drink just to get into a fight to have more stories to tell. Calm down, asshole, he's looking at you because you're being extremely loud. He doesn't want your girlfriend.
Bartenders love this next one, because they drink a lot of booze, and guys buy them a LOT of shots:
The Bachelorette Party - You see these girls nearly every weekend. Usually in a group of 6-8, with the Bride-to-be wearing a veil. I fucking hate this group. Not because they're happy, or because they're drunk. I hate them because they make outlandish demands on anyone passing by. "Hey, show us your dick!", "If you pay a dollar, you can bite a sucker off my shirt...", "Buy me a shot! I'm getting married!". If you are like me, and refuse to acquiesce to their demands, you get shunned by the entire group, and mocked by most of the people around them. "Come on, show us your dick! We want to take a picture of it! What do you mean no?!?!?! You're lame." Fuck you, bitch. Unless you're going to suck me off in the bar, I'm not going to show you my dick, let alone let you take a picture of it.
The Former Bartender/Bouncer - This is the guy who bitches that his drink isn't strong enough, constantly. Or, he feels the need to tell the bartender how HE would make a particular drink. Or, he complains that he shouldn't have to show his ID to the bouncer because he "used to have that job, and worked at the bar next door for 3 months." Here's an idea: Show your ID, get your drink, tip appropriately, and shut the fuck up. Unless the bartender traded their brains for tits and made you a Margarita with blackberry brandy, you have no need to explain to them how to do their job. They're doing it, not you. If you were so good, you'd still be doing it. Also, never tell the bouncer how to do their job. Or try to help them in a fight. Stand back and watch the ass-whooping before you find yourself on the receiving end of it.
The Last Call Hurricane - You've all seen these people. They show up 10 minutes before closing, right after the bartender calls "Last Call!". They just came from 2 other bars, have been drinking since they got off of work, and are completely hammered. And yet, they think that just because the doors are still open, that they deserve to get one last drink. "What do you mean, I can't get a drink? You're still open!" Get out, needy. People are trying to pay their tabs so they can go home. If you want to drink more, get a 12 pack on your way home.
The 21 Run - Always in a group of 4, 8, or 12. Never any other number. The Birthday boy/girl is TRASHED, but their friends still find it funny to feed them shots. They show up, get a round or two, then leave. This isn't a problem until it's the last bar of the night. That's usually when the 21 year old passes out on a table, or vomits on the dance floor. Guess who gets to clean that up? Now, I understand getting your newly legal friend drunk on their birthday. Here's the thing, if you're going to make them a pile of hot mess, you have to take care of them, rather than asking the bartender to get them a cab home. They don't know where they are, let alone where they live, and cab drivers aren't babysitters.
The Princess (a.k.a The Mercer Island Cunt) - Usually about 23-24 years old. Either has money, or her parents do. She orders a straight up, 50/50, slightly dirty Martini with a lemon twist. Or and Adios Mother Fucker. Or a Screaming Viking. At closing. Then throws a tantrum because she can't get what she wants when she wants it. "I don't want it now. Give me my money back." "What took you so long? I've been waiting FOREVER!" (It's only been 5 minutes). Then, doesn't tip. She looks with disdain at every man who approaches her. If you buy her a drink, she won't thank you, and will just walk away. She's the kind of girl that will ask what kind of car you drive before you can even engage in conversation with her. I hope you die in a fire. You shouldn't be allowed out in public until you understand that those people serving you could easily slip you a roofie, and let you take your chances with the big hairy biker gang in the corner. Or spit in your food.
And my personal favorite:
The One Trying to Buy Your Friendship with Drinks - I love this guy. He's usually sitting by himself, and manages to strike up a conversation with ANYONE that happens by. He's the guy that just got a promotion, so decides to buy a round of drinks for a group of strangers. The later in the evening it gets, the more apt he is to just start buying shots and bringing them to the table. If it's a guy, he tries to get a girl in the group to go home with him. If it's a woman, she tries to get the hot girl's boyfriend to go home with her. These people are free entertainment for me. Plus, they make my bar tab at the end of the night much nicer.
There are many more. Happy, horny, sleepy, etc. These ones are just a sample of what I see every time I go out.
In case there are some of you who do not know, there are many unwritten rules of drinking in public. Modern Drunkard magazine has combined them all, and managed to put them onto a poster. Here you go: 86 Rules of Boozing
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